100 days have passed

It's been a while. It's been 2 years actually. When they quitted their tough jobs right after the news is broke to them. A good decision indeed. At least they finally found the time to just rest a while at home, enjoying their golden years. I see this coming since a young age. I know one day they will get too old even before we had fully spread our wings. I should have been more prepared. But there seems to be a large opaque screen that kept me from showing real concern about this situation, real concern about anything at all. Do I have a brain malfunction somewhere? Is this really normal? that I can't really express the hurt I had? is it normal? I used to think 'that's me'. now I think ' that's me, is it normal'? Is this abnormality good? Am I bore this way for a purpose? Those overseas trips that I still continued to go, those outings that I still go, those good things in life that I still enjoyed, with all these happening for the past 2 years. Is this normal? I felt that I have lost all things in life. I felt that it's the most confusing period my life. I felt that I have accentuated all the negative things, that there is this translucent screen that filters away all good things away. That filters away all positive thinkings away. I started this company somewhere before the time when she had difficulty walking. I really cannot feel how she felt. I really tried to put myself in her shoes. I should already been dead then, if I tried hard enough to do that. When I see how her legs shook in pain because of the tumour that is eating up her thigh bone. It must have hurt like crazy. It must have really hurt like crazy. How could she have managed to endure all these? How could she have endured all these without shedding a tear? What is it in her mind that keeps her going? I still remembers the time when I was away and she had completed 10 sessions of radiotherapy and 1 session of gamma knife. It was a week after all those I guess. I still remembered when I called her from overseas. She told me her hair had falled. She told me she is wearing a wig now. That was the only time I felt her slight lowness. That was the only time she told me something about her illness. That was the only time I could sense my mum had changed because of the illness. That was the time when I dont know how to reply. I don't know what should I reply. I know she is strong. But I dont' know if she is really that strong. I was really helpless. I don't know how much emotional needs to give. Seeing my mum in her wig, it is a different feeling. She felt different too. She is a private person. She doesn't like attention. She had done a very good job raising up her 3 children. very very good job. She had been through her ups and downs. She had been a diligent employee, a tireless housewife, and simply showing her care and concern in the most fundamental ways. We children, at least me, will not appreciate how much she had gave us. I still remember the day when I know about the news. I hurried to the medical hall and bought few boxes of chinese medicine. I know I cannot provide for her soft needs. But I tried to provide for her hard needs. I don't know how others can cope with such illness. It slowly eats you away. It eats others away. You start to feel that telepathy may work. You start to feel that you can think a problem away. You start to feel that one day she will stand up and say 'I need to get this done'. And all these don't happen. Somehow it does not work this way. I don't know. Some people think that why worry so much when the inevitable is going to happen. But you can't stop thinking. People don't think the same. Not even in the family. It was the day before half marathon and she has one of her first few heavy breathing symptoms. We couldn't figure out what caused it. It's frustration to have no clue. I ran the half marathon then. I couldn't perform such type of breathing. It is so crazy to be breathing so hard so fast. It feels like choking. Imagine feeling choking. Every breath. The whole day. Can you? No one can. She could. It's hard. I tried but it was so hard. I don't pant as hard during a hard race. I don't know how anyone could have sustained it. It was a week before the mid autumn. I came back home from work. She is panting like crazy. I was worried. I ran down to market to buy something that can open up the airway. It doesn't work. It doesn't stick to her cold and moist face. We tried to put medicated oil on her chest. We 'pretend' she feels better. We 'pretend' that she's better. She's not better. We shifted her bed to the aircon. to cool her down. It doesn't work. I don't want to argue with dad. I went to the dining room. Dad called. He called. He called her name. He called her name and I know something happened. I checked. No pulse, no breathing. The bed is inclined. I did CPR on an inclined bed. I try not to feel frustrated. I called sis. I called her to call the ambulance. I needed help. I breath hard into her mouth and there returned this hollow soulless exhale. Soulless exhale. Hollow. The howling from the exhale makes you imagine it's the voice she made. It was not. It is simply a hollow exhale. Alot of phelgm. We could have know this. It's the phelgm. But when will this end? When can she rest? She was resting there right?

How is it like?

How is it like to be so conscious about every moves that it makes living so hard?

How is it like to have lost the ability to care, when there is people you need to care for?

How is it like to be stranded in an island, with full of people but with no voices?

How is it like to wait for your loved one to tell you something, not knowing they can never know how to feel anymore?

How is it like to be out alone to shun the home, but all you feel is the same feeling?

How is it like to look so oblivion to all problems, yet all problems are not here, not there, but inside?

How is it like to be emotional, but the emotions can only be felt and not expressed?

How is it like to feel like a warrior, battling your inner thoughts?

How is it like to have a strong support, when you have to fall into your infant stage first?

How is it like when you do not know you have fallen from grace, when you still look at the mirror and thought it is just another day?

How is it like to look like king, when all you are is just a whimp?

How is it like to be trapped in a time warp, when your mind is in the past, you are constantly working for the future, and you are never quite living for the present?

How is it like when all your past phobia, future fears, immobilize you to save yourself?

How is it like to think that all you need is two, but all you have is one?

How is it like to hate, but all you hate is yourself?

How is it like to love, but all you have is the air around?

How is it like to be me right now?

Conviction of The Human Mind

How many times do you think a person has to try in order to do one thing right? Guess what, the answer is 3 times.

Have you heard a saying that if you sneezed 3 times, it means someone somewhere is thinking about you? And more often than not, you would have to sneeze 3 times in order to really clear your nasal.

Why 3 times? The first time, The Human Mind thought it's just some minor irritation. It doesn't want to put in extra effort to clear it, just in case it was right. But it's wrong. It goes on to activate the Second Sneeze. What do you know? The irritation still persisted. Now that the first one doesn't work, The Human Mind uses The Second Sneeze to calibrate for amount of lung power it needs to provide for The Third Sneeze.

A leopard doesn't change its spots, and Human doesn't change the way He sneezes.

The subconscious mind

I am listening to this audio book about how we can draw on infinite wisdom, from our subconscious mind. I stumbled upon this idea that what we consciously know that we know, may be so insignificant as compared to what our subconscious know, but we may not know we know.... ( sounds confusing, I know, but it maybe a new break through in human performance thinking)

Imagine this, you are chatting on msn one night on your laptop and suddenly you heard a loud bang below your flat. Immediately you know it's a car accident. Why? Because you heard of this type of sound before and your vision confirmed it to be a car accident. So now the second time you hear this sound, you know it's an accident.
This is an example of how a conscious effort become a subconscious effort.

The second time that the person hear the sound, the person can react instantaneously what is the sound about: subconscious mind act independently of one thing that great hindered the conscious mind, and that is Time.

We need time to think about a smell, we need time to catch what a person is saying, we need to taste a food, we need time to say what we want to say, we need time to express an emotion. However, the subconscious mind do not need time to process and react. You should have also notice why a 5 mins dream feel like an hour has passed. This maybe because time to the subconscious is a relative thing.

Now the question is how to exploit this subconscious mind. I am thinking if we can go to sleep with audio books reading to us at 100x normal speed. If we can trigger our mind to accept this method, we can read few a couple of books in our sleep and wake up with tons of usable knowledge which we can immediately apply.

Any comments?

Life, from a mental point of vew

I was about to sleep last night when suddenly the thought of people getting out came into my mine. I guess it's because of my dad's relentless help in cleaning up the house in preparation for my sis's wedding this morning.

I was thinking about us, being young and energetic, looking at those elderly and felt a sense of remorse. Remorse because all people can see are their current state of dependency, current state of helplessness and current state of disconnection from the world. People tends to forget how much achievement these elderly already had, by simply just living to a ripe old 70-80 plus age; they too will forget their lives achievements.

Those who didn't forget, will be spontaneous to turn any topics with them to become a desperate attempt to share their life's knowledge and achievements with others. This is option must understood as a bragging session, which stops short of the young to gain anything out of it, which added to their desperation.

Nature has its way in every stage of a human's life, so as to keep us in prospective of the situation we are in.

Diseases and illnesses are ways the nature inflict them with a purpose in mind: to divert longed attention to them. It's the nature's way to give the elder folks the last laugh. Diseases that take their memories away, like dementia, are mechanisms that provide the elderly a mentally painless way to pass on. Outside world's pity, pathetic, and all things nasty, will not register a thing on their mind.

To the compassionates, they will think how sad it is for the elderly to loose their sanity.

But to them, it is the nature's way to keep them sane.

Compassion

Yesterday after work i came back for dinner. After dinner, suddenly my dad chatted with me about some time 50 years back, how the then Li XXXXXX cheated his money 50 years back. For those who don't know who is him, he's probably the richest chinese on earth.

Following that, my mum talked about my ex neighbour, telling me how bad is their situation now. The auntie has a husband whom died young, leaving her to take care of their son. Their son is a fish monger whom probably earned quite alot. But due to their spending habit, their have to keep renting houses instead of buying one. My mum, said something which really touched my heart, "she has been so old already and doesn't have a home of her own. You see how sad it is...A home is the most important thing to a woman ( of course to a man as well).."

She felt so bad for another family, when she herself is down with illness; that's the power of Mother. I never heard my mother sharing her wisdom for a long time, but it really means alot when she said that.

1+1 doesn't equals to 2

When 2 people comes together, it is a special thing. When so many different past experiences carried forward for each of their lives, the way they react to different situations, the way they perceived a stimuli, it still bogs researchers about the chemistry between 2 seemingly unique individuals able to go hand in hand.

For what I know, this thing that holds two person together shouldn't be called 'Chemistry'. If it's chemistry, chemical formulae are about to reason why such thing called relationship happens.

you see, I am mostly a technically trained person (with some tiny bits of artistic background), but my partner is a self-taught artistic person (with quite a fair bit of technical background). She's full of emotions and I am only restricted to a handful. She watches dramas and is interested in human dynamics. I watches documentaries and news more and am interested in technical stuffs.

Me and my baby are quite different you may think. But under all these, human has one distinctly special aspect that draws people together. We understand situations and try to accommodate to situations (please don't quote me :P). There is no fixed rule on the game of love; nothing can dictate why 2 person converges or diverges or just become platonic.

What definitely attracts me of my baby is her care and concern, her free spirit, her support for me, her beauty and her presence around me....So what attracted you?